No Johnny Required: The Seedy World of Phil Collins

Do you like Phil Collins? I don’t mean his music.  I mean sexually.

Do your sexual organs become almost painfully engorged at the thought of running your hand across his bald head? If he wrote a song about you, would you be thrilled or repulsed by his obsession?

Phil’s troll face and lack of meaningful talent make him an unlikely sex symbol, but in recent years an intensely lustful cult has formed around him. Using the internet to organise and share information, young men and women who have a dark and deviant sexual desire for Phil Collins have become shockingly strong in number.  There are over fifty active Phil Collins sex forums on the internet today, all of them describing in graphic detail the shocking misuse of drumsticks.

Considering Collins has been fairly absent from the public eye for quite some time, the sudden emergence of this phenomenon intrigued me almost as much as it disgusted me. I wanted to try and find out exactly why so many people of my generation and younger felt a lascivious mania for Phil Collins abruptly awaken within them.

I asked 18 year old Chloe Elam, a Collins devotee from Wyoming who calls herself “invisible_touch_me” online, for her take on the phenomena.  “I can’t believe it’s only now people are starting to realise how goddamned sexy Phil Collins is!” she told me.

Not uniquely for these new breed of “Philophiles”, she has never been interested in his musical output. “My interest in Phil is purely sexual” she states proudly. “I find his work a little too artsy for my tastes.”  She discovered her lust for Collins through automatic writing techniques, where the pen is held to the paper without concentration and the subconscious mind writes on the page.  “I just started writing and all this weird stuff about Phil Collins poured out. I was pretty freaked out at first, and I tried really hard to forget about it. I’d never really thought about him before.  I just tried to forget about it. It didn’t work“

Chloe hasn’t yet “come out” to her family and friends about her ravenous appetite for Collins, but she writes erotic stories about him as a valve to release the pressure.  A portion of her story “Kitty’s Intimate Night with Phil Collins” is reproduced below, with her permission.

“Kitty almost screamed with ecstasy. Phil Collins, the light of her life had just said her name! Everything went in slow motion… She got out of her chair, grabbed her bag and coat and walked, no; she floated down the aisles to the stage. A hand reached out for her, and when she looked up, there was Phil Collins helping her up!

“Wow… Phil Co… Coll…. Collins!” Kitty said shocked.

Phil just laughed. “That’s me!” He sat her down on a stool in the centre of the stage and turned to the audience. “Everyone, this is Kitty Henderson. My next song is going to be dedicated to her…”

Music started to play, and she sat there gobsmacked. Before he started to sing, he turned around and told her “you do know that this means you’re invited to the backstage party afterwards?”

Kitty just smiled, she didn’t know what to say.


Phil led her through to the dressing room and shut the door behind him. “So, how old are you then?”

Kitty felt a shyness tingling all through her body – She couldn’t believe Phil Collins was talking to her. “I’ve just turned 18”

“Cool.” Phil smiled at Kitty.

Phil’s hand wandered around her back. Kitty was tingling all over. She could feel a bulge building in
his trousers. She had a feeling he wanted more, so without asking, she let her hand slip round to the front of her body.

Her jeans had quickly slipped to the floor, and she quietly and carefully stepped out of them and kicked them to one side. Without another word being mentioned, he removed his shirt. She closed her eyes for a second. “This is it” she thought:  “my intimate night with Phil Collins!”

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One Response to No Johnny Required: The Seedy World of Phil Collins

  1. jacky says:

    I really like u phil, wish one day I could just visted when u ar perfoming

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